maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
