she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
