i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
