I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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