Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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