I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
40s are totally the cure
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
