Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
