***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
