I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
