I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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