Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize