I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
