So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
