dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
