My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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