My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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