I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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