my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
