His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
