i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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