My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
