i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
