Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
