she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
there is puke in my bra ... again
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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