I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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