you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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