Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
