If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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