i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
