We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
