Umm I'm too high to move.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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