and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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