he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
