; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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