Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he shaved USA in his pubs
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
