I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
