Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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