She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
