That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
