We're like a lot better than the average bears
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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