hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
