Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
