Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
