Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
