No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize