i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
The maid of honor just puked.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
