haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
