just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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