I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
