hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
