Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Randomize
