Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
