my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
