i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
