i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Of course I have a pirate flag
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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