You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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